Wed. May 27/09

I've broken the 10lb marker! It's taken some time. I suppose that's the "good" way to lose weight - but when you've got so much to lose you want it to go faster! It's been an alright week in that department. I'm not going to say great because I wasn't keeping track the way that I should, and I didn't do my Wii exercise program the way I should have this week. Not to say I didn't exercise - I walked, stepped on the Wii fit, boxed on the Wii Fit, and did all sorts of other things. However, the program "My Fitness Coach" is a real 'sweat it out' kind of work out which is exactly what I need to be doing. I should be able to go out with friends and have those beers, and once in a while eat those 'chicken fingers'. BUT, then I have to work it off which I didn't do quite like I should have this week. I lost - but I could have lost more. I'm aiming for 2lbs a week and I lost 1.4 - so this week I need to step up my game a little!
I joined a website that goes with the book I'm reading about sibling grief a while ago. You can leave tributes to your lost sibling, and memorials, and messages on the message board. All designed to give you a place to seek help and talk about what you've been through - where there are other people who've been through what you have in losing a sibling. It's a good website - and that's what I'm all about these days. I spend a lot of time on the computer so if there's a website that will help - I'm all over it! There's a girl on the website who lost her brother not too long ago in a car accident, much like I have. They almost have the same birthday (1 day apart), and there are many other similarities between our brothers - so we have discovered. We've been messaging back and forth on the website - and I'm finding that in helping her and giving her ideas as to what I've been doing in the past 8 months to get through this - it's been helping me. I'm not alone in this. Even my sister, who one would think is going through the exact same thing, isn't. Everyone grieves differently and I find it hard to talk to my sister sometimes because she's maybe not feeling the same things, or at the same place, or doesn't want to talk about it. So out of respect for her, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I find with this website I can get it all out, and people will either read it or they won't - respond to it, or they won't. I don't have to worry about their feelings or if they want to listen to me or not. Sometimes I just think people don't want to listen to it - which is hard for me cuz it helps to talk about it and get it out. Hence the long posts on here! hahaha!
My mommy moments: my son is so lovey these days! I get so many kisses - I love it! He finds me hilarious - which I'm also loving too! We can giggle all day! I'm so going to miss this when I go back to work! I wish he'd eat more solids. He will eat the jarred baby food or toddler food, but he won't eat what we're eating. Toast. He'll eat toast. I put all kids of mushed up food on his tray and he just ignores it waiting for the jar to come out. Turkey!! How do I get him to eat more grown up food! Patience....patience.....patience!

The Aftermath cont...

I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought. I weighed myself and lost 2lbs! So far, that's 9 lbs. Go me! Simon gained 4 oz - which is great for his little 16lbs 8oz preemie body! Funny how I'm trying to get skinnier - and we're trying to fatten him up! Never thought I would be saying that about my kid!

The Aftermath

As hard as I tried to stick to my plan of attack this past May long weekend... I couldn't completely do it. I give myself a 6/10. Not bad. In the snacking department I did good. I stuck to the snacks I had. It was the meals. When you're not the cook you don't get to decide what goes into it. While the meals weren't completely unhealthy, I would have made some different choices that would have been better for me and my progress. That's what I'm finding the most difficult with this whole "weight loss" process - when someone else cooks. The redeemer this weekend was the nice long walk on Sunday - a beautiful day I might add! Oh..and perhaps the fact that it was raining Sunday night and too miserable to sit around the fire eating those spitz and drinking that beer - both of which there is no way in hell I could resist! To my dear brother: André I thought about you often all weekend (as I do almost every day). Where you would have been and what you would have been doing (although - I guessed it would have been at Candle drinking beer!) Would have tried to convince you to come to the lake so we could enjoy a song or two and some good laughs. Gonna miss that this summer - as I will you. You would have had fun with Simon this weekend. He had a good weekend - playing, giggling at the dog and bathing in the sink! Not the same without you! xoxo

Struggles...

I've lost almost 7 lbs in the last 3 weeks - which isn't a bad start. I keep thinking that "oh - I'm gonna be way skinnier for the summer"....and summer is almost here! Funny how in my little "weight loss" mind, those markers seem so much farther away than they really are! Like I have so much more time to lose weight! hehe! And yet - am I exercising today? - no I'm blogging instead! What a struggle this is! I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be a billion dollar business and everyone would be skinny!

Heading to the lake for the long weekend - food, food and more food! Go for walks, try and stick to the food I bring - and not what everyone else is eating, and stay busy - so I don't snack all day! Seems easy enough ;o) !!

First post

Starting a blog is not as easy as I thought. I thought I'd have a lot to say, be really witty and it would be a great place to post my thoughts (or musings - according to the title). It took me hours to come up with that title (and it's still not that good!) - and now I have no idea what this is all going to be about let alone how witty I'll be or if anyone will even care about my 'musings'! I guess that's the chance you take with a blog. You put yourself out there, and whatever will be, will be.

I feel like I could have a lot to blog about - on being a mom, bringing my little preemie into the world and his progress thus far, being a teacher, losing my brother and the grief I've experienced, or just life in general. If anyone reads it and finds it interesting then great! If not, then at least I've put it out there - this could be good therapy for me!

I'm trying hard to stay focused these days:
- On Simon, who's a little under the weather and not eating today is making me realize that perhaps he needs a little trip to the dr. soon. He's had this cold over a week and has been fine until today.
- On my exercise goal. I need to exercise at least 3-4 times a week because that's the only way I'm going to lose weight (another focus!)
- On my weight goal. I need to lose weight if I'm even going to think about having more children. Giving birth to Simon 6 weeks early was very scary for me (having pre eclampsia). I can't put my body or another child through all that again and being overweight puts it all at greater risk.
- On anything other than André. Which sounds bad, but it's not. I have to stop focusing so much energy on that. I can't change what happened, I can't bring him back, I can't grieve so hard every day - it's all so exhausting! While I think posting my thoughts on that/him will be theraputic it's no substitute for real grief counselling which I'm feeling it's almost time for.
- On my marriage. It's taken a bit of a hit since André died and I'll be the first to admit it. It's hard to be there for someone else when you feel like you can't even be there for yourself some days! We need to have a date, to be alone, to get a babysitter!! It seems so easy - yet somehow...
- On me. It's kind of loaded - I think that's all I've done is focus on me and my feelings. To really take time for myself to do things I enjoy is something I know that's been lacking. So while on the one hand I feel selfish for feeling depressed - I haven't been actually focused on myself and what I need in a long time.

So I guess that's what this is about then. Long ramblings! hehe! I read a blog tonight about a girl trying to lose weight. I posted a comment and it inspired me to start this blog tonight. If I can be directed to some random blog and find something interesting enough on it to post a comment, then perhaps I can inspire someone else to do the same.