"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!".... somewhat...

I finally decorated for Christmas - even though it's not even December yet, I feel like I'm late getting it done! Simon isn't quite showing excitement or even interest in the tree and decorations. Most of the decorations are out of his reach, but I totally thought he would be more interested in the tree with the lights and decorations on there. We started singing Jingle Bells together the other day - I'm hoping he'll catch on and start singing it a little bit like he does all the other songs we sing together. I'm looking forward to the days when he gets it all! All this decoration and "jingle belling" and no snow?!! I shouldn't have even typed that - it probably started snowing the moment I did! It's so nice to have such mild temperatures - I hope they last. It will likely snow, and it may get cold - afterall this IS Saskatchewan, but it would be nice if there wasn't 10 feet of it, and that if it gets cold it doesn't last for even a week! Could that be too much to ask?!

Immunizations

Simon got his H1N1 shot today - beating most of the line up on the first day. What a relief! The number of people sick around me these days, whether it's H1N1 or not, is ridiculous! Simon started daycare today, so to have him be around so many kids, and who knows what my husband and I bring home from work, it's like he's getting it from all angles! So my mind can be at ease knowing that he cannot get H1N1. Not to say he won't get any other strain of flu this year, but at least he won't get that. Now I'm the only one in our family who hasn't had the shot. I'm in the trenches, dealing with kids who cough all over the place, don't always blow their nose when they need to, or wash their hands. They're sneezing, coughing, snotting all over the place - and I'm not considered a high risk or a priority. WHY NOT?!! I had 12 out of 23 kids missing today - whether they are all sick with H1N1 or not I'm not sure, but I do know that there are a lot who are sick. Some are just staying home afraid to come to school until they get the shot, which I don't see how they should get it before those that are on the priority list. I'm not sick.....yet.....but with the number of those around me who are - I'm sure it won't be long before I am! What I can't believe is that there are people out there who are actually preaching against getting this shot!! How insane! I agree that we should all be informed. There's a lot of Hype around H1N1, and it's important to not listen to everything you read in the paper or hear on TV. However, there is some very credible research and information out there, and if after reading all that - you still aren't convinced, then I hope for everyone's sake that you and your children don't get sick, cuz you're going to kick yourself in the ass if they do and you could have easily prevented it! They had a funeral for a healthy, hockey playing 13 year old today - who died after 1 weekend of being sick! I don't think I want to take those kinds of chances with my son's life! And if you asked those parents, they wouldn't have if given the choice either!! There are just some things you can't take back - death being one of them! So Phew!! Simon is vaccinated!

Late night thoughts....

So many nights I sit here and think "I should write on my blog" and then.... I get busy and forget about it. Until the next night when it starts all over again! So tonight, I'm not going to forget and actually write.
What prompted me tonight to really do this, was André. I think of him all the time and I really wonder when the time will come that I don't have to be so sad about it. While it doesn't bring me to tears every time anymore - I still can't listen to almost every 3rd song on the radio without it reminding me of him and more often than not, bringing me to tears. What is it about those songs and why are they so powerful?! There's one in particular that comes on that makes me laugh and cry at the same time - and it comes on at least once a week! It's not a new song either - from the 90's. He listened to some really "gay" music - and I don't mean happy! It makes me laugh - awesome - now if only it would stop making me cry too! I really believe that in getting these thoughts and feelings out in the open helps me to heal so putting my thoughts on André here tonight, I'm hoping will help me sleep better. I tend to dream about that night often and if I get this out - perhaps I won't tonight.
Simon I'm thinking is going to be quite musical! He loves music and will stop what he's doing at the slightest hint of a song on the tv, and either stare, dance or if he's heard it a few times, sing. I really hoped that he wouldn't just share André's birthday - and that perhaps he would inherit something from his uncle through the gene pool. Maybe he got that musical gene that André had, at least the talent part anyway. Hopefully André's taste in music doesn't come with it! I also want him to be athletic and to enjoy being active, oh and don't forget to be intelligent and have school work be easy for him. Is this too tall an order?! If so.... then keep singing Simon! You can work on the rest of it - but musical talent is either a have or have not kind of thing. Let's hope it's a "have" just like his Uncle!

Hi ho...hi ho....it's off to work I go!

Well, it's official. I'm off maternity leave and back to work. Actually - I've been back for a week now and I've never been so exhausted! I think having Simon was easier!! I'm teaching Grade 6 again - after 11 years - a fish out of water, and I think the fish probably fared better than me this week! I'm sure I'll get back into the grove eventually.....I just don't like this feeling of being so lost! I don't even think I was this lost my first year! Thank goodness I have such a good staff of friends who are willing to help as much as they can! I loved working there before - it's so important to work in a place of friends - so I'm glad to be back there (despite the fact that I'm not exactly glad to be back to work). I have the better of the two Grade 6 classes (in my opinion) so that's a bonus as well. BUT...I miss Simon, I miss being at home, I miss the freedom to do things when I want to do them.
I had a rough day on Friday - Simon repeated my brother's name when we were snuggling and that set me off for the rest of the night. Not sure if it was the combination of that and being so tired but I haven't cried that hard over him in a long time. I suppose everyone is entitled to those kinds of days. I missed hearing his jokes and words of encouragement as I was getting ready to go back to work. I missed being able to stop off at his house for a quick beer after that first day - to de-stress and laugh. Pure and simple...I miss him!
I thought being back to work and on a routine would help in the weight loss endeavor. Too much food at that school! grrr! Of course I could say no! I'm going to have to develop some will power if this is going to work! Maybe once I'm a little more used to this 'work' thing I'll be able to get back on my treadmill! I was just soooo tired this past week! I hope I start feeling more relaxed and a little less exhausted this week.

Wednesday, mercredi, Mittwoch.....

As usual Wednesday is "weigh in" day for the household! Haven't weighed Simon yet, but I checked him out the other day just to see if he's been gaining and yes he has! So we'll see what the big result is later! I on the other hand neither gained nor lost. So...while it's more enjoyable to lose....I'm ok with not gaining! It is hard to lose weight in the summer! Too much temptation!

After my last post, I've taken the first step - not to discuss certain things with certain people! It's helpful in this journey to discover who can listen and help - and who can't. It's just disappointing when the people you think can help you the most, don't. Or maybe they can't - but if that's the case then they should just say that instead.

Being a mom of a preemie is not an easy thing. Everyone is constantly comparing your "little" one to their (or other) "bigger" children - who are usually quite a bit younger and quite a bit bigger! It's hard not to take it personal sometimes - like you're not doing something right! Which I've thought a lot about lately cuz we've been so focused on trying to get him to eat and gain weight! Pediasure! It's 1000 calories in one can....and comes in fancy flavours. So now every day doesn't have to be an "on" day as far as eating is concerned! I've been almost panicking when he doesn't eat his whole meal (which is happening less and less these days - thank goodness!) thinking that he's going to lose weight. But now that he's getting all these calories in the day I can relax a little bit. Maybe someday soon he'll be bigger than younger kids! I'd just be happy if he made it to the 20lb mark by the end of the summer! That way he can at least fit his lifejacket according to the weight standards!

Getting over it

I was told today to get on with my life. While I realize that it's something I definitely need to do, is today the day? Tomorrow? How about the next day? I'm thinking it's not something you just decide to do one day - or is it? So many uncertainties around it. How does one go about getting on with their life? I thought that's what I was doing? I figured there would just be some days that it would be a little harder but that was to be expected. Was I wrong? Am I just wallowing? I've definitely had more time to think about it than the average person - and I don't think I've come up with any answers. Just more questions. Back to the "getting on with it" thing.... I think I've got to look into it more. Maybe this is the right time for a little outside help. Maybe that's where I'll find some of the answers I'm looking for.

It's trivial....

So on Tuesday I weighed myself and I lost 2lbs. Great! I have no idea how?!!! On Monday I ate McDonald's for lunch, and at a staff party had a few beer and tons of spitz.....how did I manage to lose 2lbs?! Maybe it would have been 5 if I wouldn't have done all that on Monday!! In my experience I've lost weight eating healthier and exercising. So I'm a little baffled when I lose weight by not doing those things! But if I tried it again this week - I would gain soo much back! It's as much a mental game as it is a physical one! Losing weight can be exhausting some days! Maybe I should go work out on the Wii for a while!!

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day! (yesterday!)
I think my dad had a good day - golfing in the rain. I'm sure he was just happy to spend it with his grandsons. My husband didn't get to spend the entire day with his son - but if he wouldn't have hurt his hand he would have been working anyway. I wish my brother could have joined us at the lake. It felt (to me anyway) like something was missing (besides my husband) - but I guess I feel like that almost every day.
It's getting better. My husband and I have a half decent relationship right now. It's been tough for the past 9 months. I haven't even really felt like spending a lot of time together. I've felt incredibly guilty for it - but I've just really wanted to be by myself - grieve by myself. I can feel a change in the air - I want life to get back to normal (or as much as it can with a 1 yr old around). We really just have to put more of an effort into it - maybe it's just been too easy to hide out by myself cuz that's what I know. I was single for a long time and when things were hard or I was hurting - then withdrawl was the way I would deal. To think, to escape, to cry and have no one the wiser! It's too hard when you have a husband and a baby and I have to accept the fact that they are here and they will help any way they can. More of an effort!
I would love to know how to get my 1 yr old to eat! Meal time is such a chore! He doesn't eat solid food the way a 1 yr old should - but he doesn't want to eat baby food! How do I get him to eat? He will eat toast, yogurt, some fruit (strawberry slices and mango bits), but other than that.....he won't eat. Turns his head to the spoon, and doesn't want to feed himself.....I'm so frustrated! He can't afford to lose weight! He can't afford not to eat! Patience..patience...patience!

Wed. May 27/09

I've broken the 10lb marker! It's taken some time. I suppose that's the "good" way to lose weight - but when you've got so much to lose you want it to go faster! It's been an alright week in that department. I'm not going to say great because I wasn't keeping track the way that I should, and I didn't do my Wii exercise program the way I should have this week. Not to say I didn't exercise - I walked, stepped on the Wii fit, boxed on the Wii Fit, and did all sorts of other things. However, the program "My Fitness Coach" is a real 'sweat it out' kind of work out which is exactly what I need to be doing. I should be able to go out with friends and have those beers, and once in a while eat those 'chicken fingers'. BUT, then I have to work it off which I didn't do quite like I should have this week. I lost - but I could have lost more. I'm aiming for 2lbs a week and I lost 1.4 - so this week I need to step up my game a little!
I joined a website that goes with the book I'm reading about sibling grief a while ago. You can leave tributes to your lost sibling, and memorials, and messages on the message board. All designed to give you a place to seek help and talk about what you've been through - where there are other people who've been through what you have in losing a sibling. It's a good website - and that's what I'm all about these days. I spend a lot of time on the computer so if there's a website that will help - I'm all over it! There's a girl on the website who lost her brother not too long ago in a car accident, much like I have. They almost have the same birthday (1 day apart), and there are many other similarities between our brothers - so we have discovered. We've been messaging back and forth on the website - and I'm finding that in helping her and giving her ideas as to what I've been doing in the past 8 months to get through this - it's been helping me. I'm not alone in this. Even my sister, who one would think is going through the exact same thing, isn't. Everyone grieves differently and I find it hard to talk to my sister sometimes because she's maybe not feeling the same things, or at the same place, or doesn't want to talk about it. So out of respect for her, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I find with this website I can get it all out, and people will either read it or they won't - respond to it, or they won't. I don't have to worry about their feelings or if they want to listen to me or not. Sometimes I just think people don't want to listen to it - which is hard for me cuz it helps to talk about it and get it out. Hence the long posts on here! hahaha!
My mommy moments: my son is so lovey these days! I get so many kisses - I love it! He finds me hilarious - which I'm also loving too! We can giggle all day! I'm so going to miss this when I go back to work! I wish he'd eat more solids. He will eat the jarred baby food or toddler food, but he won't eat what we're eating. Toast. He'll eat toast. I put all kids of mushed up food on his tray and he just ignores it waiting for the jar to come out. Turkey!! How do I get him to eat more grown up food! Patience....patience.....patience!

The Aftermath cont...

I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought. I weighed myself and lost 2lbs! So far, that's 9 lbs. Go me! Simon gained 4 oz - which is great for his little 16lbs 8oz preemie body! Funny how I'm trying to get skinnier - and we're trying to fatten him up! Never thought I would be saying that about my kid!

The Aftermath

As hard as I tried to stick to my plan of attack this past May long weekend... I couldn't completely do it. I give myself a 6/10. Not bad. In the snacking department I did good. I stuck to the snacks I had. It was the meals. When you're not the cook you don't get to decide what goes into it. While the meals weren't completely unhealthy, I would have made some different choices that would have been better for me and my progress. That's what I'm finding the most difficult with this whole "weight loss" process - when someone else cooks. The redeemer this weekend was the nice long walk on Sunday - a beautiful day I might add! Oh..and perhaps the fact that it was raining Sunday night and too miserable to sit around the fire eating those spitz and drinking that beer - both of which there is no way in hell I could resist! To my dear brother: André I thought about you often all weekend (as I do almost every day). Where you would have been and what you would have been doing (although - I guessed it would have been at Candle drinking beer!) Would have tried to convince you to come to the lake so we could enjoy a song or two and some good laughs. Gonna miss that this summer - as I will you. You would have had fun with Simon this weekend. He had a good weekend - playing, giggling at the dog and bathing in the sink! Not the same without you! xoxo

Struggles...

I've lost almost 7 lbs in the last 3 weeks - which isn't a bad start. I keep thinking that "oh - I'm gonna be way skinnier for the summer"....and summer is almost here! Funny how in my little "weight loss" mind, those markers seem so much farther away than they really are! Like I have so much more time to lose weight! hehe! And yet - am I exercising today? - no I'm blogging instead! What a struggle this is! I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be a billion dollar business and everyone would be skinny!

Heading to the lake for the long weekend - food, food and more food! Go for walks, try and stick to the food I bring - and not what everyone else is eating, and stay busy - so I don't snack all day! Seems easy enough ;o) !!

First post

Starting a blog is not as easy as I thought. I thought I'd have a lot to say, be really witty and it would be a great place to post my thoughts (or musings - according to the title). It took me hours to come up with that title (and it's still not that good!) - and now I have no idea what this is all going to be about let alone how witty I'll be or if anyone will even care about my 'musings'! I guess that's the chance you take with a blog. You put yourself out there, and whatever will be, will be.

I feel like I could have a lot to blog about - on being a mom, bringing my little preemie into the world and his progress thus far, being a teacher, losing my brother and the grief I've experienced, or just life in general. If anyone reads it and finds it interesting then great! If not, then at least I've put it out there - this could be good therapy for me!

I'm trying hard to stay focused these days:
- On Simon, who's a little under the weather and not eating today is making me realize that perhaps he needs a little trip to the dr. soon. He's had this cold over a week and has been fine until today.
- On my exercise goal. I need to exercise at least 3-4 times a week because that's the only way I'm going to lose weight (another focus!)
- On my weight goal. I need to lose weight if I'm even going to think about having more children. Giving birth to Simon 6 weeks early was very scary for me (having pre eclampsia). I can't put my body or another child through all that again and being overweight puts it all at greater risk.
- On anything other than André. Which sounds bad, but it's not. I have to stop focusing so much energy on that. I can't change what happened, I can't bring him back, I can't grieve so hard every day - it's all so exhausting! While I think posting my thoughts on that/him will be theraputic it's no substitute for real grief counselling which I'm feeling it's almost time for.
- On my marriage. It's taken a bit of a hit since André died and I'll be the first to admit it. It's hard to be there for someone else when you feel like you can't even be there for yourself some days! We need to have a date, to be alone, to get a babysitter!! It seems so easy - yet somehow...
- On me. It's kind of loaded - I think that's all I've done is focus on me and my feelings. To really take time for myself to do things I enjoy is something I know that's been lacking. So while on the one hand I feel selfish for feeling depressed - I haven't been actually focused on myself and what I need in a long time.

So I guess that's what this is about then. Long ramblings! hehe! I read a blog tonight about a girl trying to lose weight. I posted a comment and it inspired me to start this blog tonight. If I can be directed to some random blog and find something interesting enough on it to post a comment, then perhaps I can inspire someone else to do the same.