First post

Starting a blog is not as easy as I thought. I thought I'd have a lot to say, be really witty and it would be a great place to post my thoughts (or musings - according to the title). It took me hours to come up with that title (and it's still not that good!) - and now I have no idea what this is all going to be about let alone how witty I'll be or if anyone will even care about my 'musings'! I guess that's the chance you take with a blog. You put yourself out there, and whatever will be, will be.

I feel like I could have a lot to blog about - on being a mom, bringing my little preemie into the world and his progress thus far, being a teacher, losing my brother and the grief I've experienced, or just life in general. If anyone reads it and finds it interesting then great! If not, then at least I've put it out there - this could be good therapy for me!

I'm trying hard to stay focused these days:
- On Simon, who's a little under the weather and not eating today is making me realize that perhaps he needs a little trip to the dr. soon. He's had this cold over a week and has been fine until today.
- On my exercise goal. I need to exercise at least 3-4 times a week because that's the only way I'm going to lose weight (another focus!)
- On my weight goal. I need to lose weight if I'm even going to think about having more children. Giving birth to Simon 6 weeks early was very scary for me (having pre eclampsia). I can't put my body or another child through all that again and being overweight puts it all at greater risk.
- On anything other than André. Which sounds bad, but it's not. I have to stop focusing so much energy on that. I can't change what happened, I can't bring him back, I can't grieve so hard every day - it's all so exhausting! While I think posting my thoughts on that/him will be theraputic it's no substitute for real grief counselling which I'm feeling it's almost time for.
- On my marriage. It's taken a bit of a hit since André died and I'll be the first to admit it. It's hard to be there for someone else when you feel like you can't even be there for yourself some days! We need to have a date, to be alone, to get a babysitter!! It seems so easy - yet somehow...
- On me. It's kind of loaded - I think that's all I've done is focus on me and my feelings. To really take time for myself to do things I enjoy is something I know that's been lacking. So while on the one hand I feel selfish for feeling depressed - I haven't been actually focused on myself and what I need in a long time.

So I guess that's what this is about then. Long ramblings! hehe! I read a blog tonight about a girl trying to lose weight. I posted a comment and it inspired me to start this blog tonight. If I can be directed to some random blog and find something interesting enough on it to post a comment, then perhaps I can inspire someone else to do the same.